May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the city historically known for ancient tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Some of the best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from place. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Of course, confident, let us have Yet another place where American Adult men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you everyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electric power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It can be that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from Area, a attribute staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It can be not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Permanently."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down support."


An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Final Views with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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